18 03 2010

E saozneg, peogwir e fell din e c’hellfe an holl gouzout. Na leñv ket. Mar plij. Seblantout a rez eürus, spi ‘m eus ez out; spi ‘m eus e vi.

I tried.

I tried to be strong, to be supportive and never let you down. I wanted to be the one to answer your call; I believed I could be the rock on which you would build your castle. I believed that our love would erect the walls I need to protect me from this world, and that our tenderness would support these walls. I believed the warmth of your arms would never leave me, that that secure home would be forever mine. And I believed you wanted my arms to be the same. I believed that no matter what, love prevails, that all you need is love, and that as blind as it may be, love is the answer.

I tried to be the one you wanted, as impossible as it may be; I wanted to make you happy. I wanted you to feel the love you had been denied, I wanted you to have all the things that you never had. I wanted ‘no’ ‘can’t’ and ‘not’ to disappear. I wanted to spoil you with all that you had once longed; I wanted to surprise you and to make you smile. I wanted to be all you had dreamed of, all you wanted, and I wish I would have been able to. I wanted you to know how beautiful you are, how talented, how nice, how amazing, how kind and how perfect you are. I hoped I could make you believe me, make you understand why everyone loves you, and the happiness you bring to those around you. I hoped I was the same for you, and that I, like you, could make the world shine a little brighter.

And I tried to change for you, I really did. I wanted to be a match for your perfection, the perfection you will never admit. I wanted you to tell me again that I was beautiful, because you were the first one to ever tell me so, and I wanted to believe you. I tried to be funny; I tried to make you laugh, for there is no sound more beautiful. I wanted the tears in your eyes to be only tears of joy because I know how painful some other tears can be. I know I should have done more and tried harder, I know I’m lazy and clumsy, that I forget everything and am a mess, but I thought I was getting better, and that you would wait for me.

I learned patience for you; I learned that some proverbs are true. I tried my best to be there when you needed me, but I should maybe have learnt as well when to leave you alone. I tried to learn to give you space, I tried to understand different kinds of love. I still thought, however, that love was the answer, and that in my arms you could find solace. I thought that you could forget about the world when you were in my arms and that when you closed your eyes there was only us. I thought that my words would be enough to give you confidence and make you believe in yourself as much as I do.

And I waited for you. I think I told you from the very start that we would do things as you wanted, and that you should have no fear. In all matters, I was willing to wait for you. Even though I had plans, or so I thought, those could always wait, and no matter what you chose, I wanted to support you. And I thought you trusted me, that we could tell everything to each other and that I would always be the one to understand you and the one to answer your fears and questions.

I wanted you to be proud of me. I wanted someone to tell me that my life is worth living, that I matter to someone and that I can make a difference. I admire you so much and I hoped for that look in your eyes. Your words were gold to me, each of them a thousand kisses and a thousand embraces. You were the one I had waited for, the one that never happens, the one you dream of and the one everyone hopes for.

I would have done anything for you. I meant it then and I still mean it. All the projects I had, all the dreams in my head, those were nothing compared to you, compared to yours. I wanted to impress you; I wanted my dreams to be meaningful, even if inside me I still don’t know what I’m doing. I would kill and I would die then, and I still would do anything for you. I wanted you to feel able to ask me for anything, knowing that I would always do my best for you.

I trusted you. I thought that these words you said, you meant all of them. I thought that even though you say you don’t believe in forever or never, you started to believe them a bit for me, for us, and that I could convince you that love is not just a dream. I thought that you would never lie to me. And I think you never did. I thought that your kisses and your caresses were sincere; I still think they were, and for that I admire you even more, for after you wouldn’t give me false love even though you could see I was suffering from that lack. For that and for all of what you are, I still trust you.

I tried to love you as well as you deserve. I wish I could start again and get everything right. I wish I had known then all I know now. I wish I had been a better person. I wish you were here to comfort me. I wish I didn’t feel so cold inside. I wish I saw that look in your eyes again. I wish you would want to see me. I wish I wasn’t so pathetic. I wish I had never made you cry, I wish I hadn’t made you suffer. I wish you were my angel again, and you would come to save me.

And it’s so hard trying to live without you. It’s so hard to smile without you. It’s so hard laughing, knowing that I’m lying to everyone and to myself. It’s so hard living day by day, knowing that I’ll never know that happiness again. It’s so hard realizing that my life is a failure, and that I have no one. It’s so hard realizing that I disappointed everyone, and disappointed myself. It’s so hard realizing how pathetic, uninteresting I am. It’s so hard seeing that even my family is disappointed in me. It’s so hard having projects and knowing they will fail, for I’m not strong enough anymore.

I tried not to love you anymore, I tried my best to forget you little by little, and I even tried to hate you. But it was no use, for I didn’t want to, for the feelings I have for you are far from buried inside me. As hard as I’ll try to forget you, I’ll still love you, for I have made a promise, and I, for one, believe in those words:

I will always love you.

Will you be my Valentine?

14 02 2010

I try my best and I believe
So optimistic and naïve;
Still I can hear the rose whisper
‘It is no use, you have lost Her’